


Through The Dark, I Need Your Light

by runnerfangirl



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e17 A Dark Reflection, Hopeful Ending, Injury, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 14:10:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11693304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runnerfangirl/pseuds/runnerfangirl
Summary: Days after Magnus had left the Institute, leaving a heartbroken Shadowhunter behind him, they were finally working to put their relationship back into a track. Even though it was just through short conversations, they were talking to each other, and Magnus was hopeful that one day, they could turn back to the way they were.However, all of his hope crashed down on him when Alec suddenly stopped calling him and Magnus had to spend four whole days without hearing from his Shadowhunter, unaware of the attack to the Institute.





	Through The Dark, I Need Your Light

**Author's Note:**

> I still haven't watched 2x17, and I don't really know why. I'm probably not ready for all the Malec angst, cause it hurts me physically. Oops...
> 
> This fic was a request from my friend, who expalined me some stuff that happened in 2x17. Thus, there may be some mistakes about the episode. And Max Lightwood in this fic looks more like book!Max. He has black hair and blue-gray eyes, 'cause I love book!Max more.
> 
> Enjoy...

Magnus was trying, truly trying. But it wasn’t easy. After Alec had betrayed his trust on a matter like that, he was still surprised at how willing his heart was to forgive the boy.

It wasn’t fast, and Magnus was aware of it. He knew that it would take time for Alec to gain his unwavering trust back, he knew that it would take a while before their relationship fell back into a track. Four hundred years of living thought Magnus to be patient, so be it. Alec was too important and precious for him to let go, even if their trust had crumbled into tiny pieces.

Magnus would wait. He would wait for Alec to prove himself, he would wait for their love to bind two of them together.

It was going as good as Magnus had hoped it would. They weren’t seeing each other as much as they did before; but at least, they were talking, whether it was through a quick phone call between Magnus’ appointments or a short text message during meetings. Magnus haven’t been to the Institute after he had confronted Alec, and to be honest, he wasn’t planning to do so for a while. Except talking to Alexander, he was trying to stay away from Shadowhunter business and any kind of news about them unless it concerned his people. He was aware of his duty as the High Warlock of Brooklyn, but he had been the High Warlock without interfering in Shadowhunters' problems before he met Alec and others. So, unless there was a threat to the warlocks, Magnus decided that he would be as far from the Shadowhunter business as he could be.

Thus, he wasn’t aware of what was going on at the Institute when Alec stopped calling him abruptly.

When he didn’t hear a word from the hazel-eyed Shadowhunter for a whole day, Magnus assumed that he was too busy as the Head of the Institute.

When he didn’t receive any calls or texts the other day, he thought that something might have happened at the Institute that required Alec to fix others’ mess. But he refused to dwell on the thought much, because if something terrible had happened in which they needed - _Alec_ needed- him, the Shadowhunter would have called Magnus for help.

When the time Magnus has spent without hearing from Alec turned into four and a half days, the warlock became really suspicious.

He was used to receive a text or have a small conversation on the phone with the boy for at least three times a day. The text would include a couple of words and their talk would last less than a minute, but at least they were talking to each other, working to right their wrongs (in Alec’s case), and trying to forgive the other (in Magnus’ case).

Magnus’ mind was telling him that there was something terribly wrong going on, that the only reason Alec hadn’t called him would be that something horrendous had happened.

But his heart was speaking louder. His heart… His heart that had been broken countless times through the centuries was telling Magnus that this was his opportunity. There was a reason why he had put a wall around his heart before he met Alec. And now, it was telling him that this was a perfect time to protect his heart from heartbreak, to close himself off to feelings.

Alec had broken his trust, and even when Magnus was giving him another chance, he was leaving the warlock by himself, retreating from his life abruptly.

He could protect himself now, he could stay away from another heartbreak that would eventually come to him if he stayed with Alec.

If you asked Magnus another time, he would say that no matter what, loving Alec and staying by his side would always worth the heartbreak after. But now, his mind was filling with anger, his consciousness was replaying the memories where he had been left heartbroken over and over again, the logical part of him was slipping away, and his heart was making itself audible while thudding loudly in his chest.

Without another thought, Magnus threw the phone in his hand against the purple wall of his bedroom and let out a silent cry. He stood up from his bed, and with the flick of his fingers, he changed his boxers and robe into black pants and an emerald, silk shirt. He chose several necklaces and rings from his vanity as he tried to gather his thoughts. He had a werewolf client in two hours and he had to stir some potions ready. He left his room without grabbing his phone, which was still on the ground with the contacts page open, and a crack forming from the edge through the contact named as ‘Alexander <3’.

 

Logically, Magnus knew that he shouldn’t be rude against his clients. At least, not until their job was finished and his payment was done. He had been in a fight with a client before, which ended with the client not receiving his potion and leaving without paying for Magnus’ services. Really, he should have learned his lesson. But oh, all the Angels above, this werewolf was not stopping to talk, not even to take a breath.

Curses in all kind of languages were running around in Magnus mind while he was muttering out loud the last spell to make the potion ready. He couldn’t even remember the purpose of the potion because of his idiotic client’s rambling. All he wanted to do was to finish it and kick the werewolf out of his loft.

Magnus took a deep breath in relief when he finally finished his spell and poured the potion into a glass container. “There you go,” He cut off in the middle of his client’s talk, and a second-long silence felt like Magnus was in heaven. “Just give me my payment and never bother me again.”

The werewolf nodded enthusiastically, as if he wasn’t aware of the arrogance in Magnus’ words, and reached for his little bag to give the warlock the rubies he had demanded. Unfortunately, he started to talk again.

“I’m surprised, really. I never thought you would accept my request for an appointment. Thought you’d be too busy dealing with your Shadowhunter after everything.”

Magnus raised a perfectly-shaped eyebrow in a silent question but the boy didn’t seem to notice his confusion. “Maybe he’s at the Institute. You know, being the Head of the Institute would require him to stay there after it. But still, I thought he would be here and you would be the one comforting him. Not that it’s really my business. It’s just what I-”

“Stop,” Magnus raised a hand to stop the boy from talking. “Just stop talking for a second. For Lilith’s sake, don’t you ever stop to take a breath?”

“Not really. Actually-” The werewolf cut himself of when he saw the warlock’s glare.

“Give me my rubies.” Magnus demanded, and a satisfied smile appeared on his lips when he was handed with a small pouch filled with red rubies. “Now,” He snapped his fingers, making the pouch disappear with a few blue sparks. “What is _it_ you’re talking about that happened at the Institute?”

If he was going to be honest, Magnus was worried. There was this uneasy feeling blossoming in his chest and in the back of his mind, all he wanted to do right now was to call Alexander and check if he was okay.

“You don’t know? How? I thought you’d be-”

“Answer the damn question, werewolf.” He was only partly aware that his voice came out almost threatening.

“Okay, okay, relax.” The boy waved his hands in the air as if to help Magnus calm down, but the movement only made the warlock more irritated. (And deep in his mind, the motion was too familiar that it made him remember a certain hazel-eyed Shadowhunter.) “There was an attack in the Institute, a few days ago, I guess.”

Magnus barely managed to stop himself from letting out a gasp as the werewolf continued. “Rumors say that it had happened from inside. Some Shadowhunter turned out to be working with Valentine, they say, his son or something.”

“What?” His voice came out as a whisper.

“I don’t really know the details, but I heard that they have a few casualties, including that little Lightwood boy.”

Magnus was frozen. The only thing that seemed to be working on his body was his mind, in which all the thoughts were swirling around, making him feel dizzy. He knew that the werewolf wasn’t talking about Alec. His Shadowhunter wasn’t little by any means, and if something had happened to Alec, he would have known, someone would have told him.

Was he talking about Jace? He was the only other Lightwood boy he knew. Not that it was his real last name, but for so long he was known as a Lightwood. So maybe-

Max.

He was the ‘little Lightwood boy’. He was the one that the werewolf was talking about. He was the one who… died.

Max Lightwood, Alexander’s little brother, the boy Magnus threw party for just a few weeks ago was dead.

Suddenly, everything started to make sense to him. Why Alexander wasn’t calling him, why he hadn’t heard from the Shadowhunter for so long, why they stopped talking abruptly… Because Alexander was in pain, because he was mourning. He was mourning for his younger brother and here Magnus was blaming the Shadowhunter for stopping talking to him, deciding to use it as an opportunity to get away from his boyfriend, from the man he loved so much.

“Bane? Hey, you okay?”

Magnus came back to his senses suddenly, when he heard his name was being called. He blinked his eyes rapidly to focus back on the boy in front of him. “Huh? Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” He flicked his wrist and with the blue sparks the door of his loft opened, clearly indicating that he wanted the werewolf gone as soon as possible. “I would say ‘thank you for doing business with me’, but you were a real pain in the ass. Thank you, though, for telling me about the Institute. Now, off you go.”

The boy walked out of the loft while he was still talking about something, but Magnus’ thoughts had already drifted back to his Shadowhunter to hear what he was saying. With another flick of his wrist, Magnus closed the door in the middle of what was probably the werewolf’s goodbye, and he walked back to his room to change his clothes which stunk from the potion he had made.

He had already made up his mind. He was going to the Institute, no matter what. Alec was hurting and it was Magnus’ turn to be there for his boyfriend. He ignored the small doubt in his mind which was telling him that the Shadowhunter might not want him there. For the last four days when they weren’t in contact Alec was mourning; but Magnus wasn’t next to him, he wasn’t even aware of Alec’s pain. Stupidly, he was thinking that the Shadowhunter was ignoring him on purpose and now, Magnus felt ashamed of thinking Alec would do something like that.

He was too encompassed with his anger, too busy blaming the boy for lying to him, that he wasn’t aware of Alec’s silent screams for help, for comfort, for his love… Magnus knew that guilt was eating him alive, crushing his heart until he felt the ache in his chest.

The warlock pressed his lips into a thin line as he looked at his reflection in the mirror. It was his fault that he was away from Alec when the boy needed him. Whatever redundant thing they were fighting over be damned. Magnus knew how Alec acted when he was hurting, especially when he thought he was the reason to other people’s sadness. He was blaming himself, no matter what, for not doing better, for not _being_ better. And worse, he was physically hurting himself, unconsciously.

Alec needed the ones he loved beside him. He needed Magnus to be there for him.

And Magnus needed to be there for Alec.

 

The stained glasses on the infirmary’s window were assembling another figure of Raziel, the Soul Sword and the Mortal Cup in his hands as he ascended from Lake Lyn.

There were eleven pieces of coal-black glass, just like Max’s raven hair, that would bounce on his head when he used to run around the halls of the Institute. There were twenty three pieces of faded-blue glass, just like Max’s blue eyes mixed with gray, that were once shinning with joy from getting his first rune. There were eighteen pieces of shining, green glass, just like the color of Max’s favorite jacket that he was wearing the day Sebastian revealed his real face. There were twenty six pieces of white glass, just like the color of Max’s pale skin after he was-

Alec pressed the back of his hand to his mouth when a sob threatened to escape. He was not going to cry, not right now. He had to be the one standing strong while his family was falling apart, while the entire Institute was falling apart.

But how could he? How could he stay strong when his little brother’s body was lying lifeless across the room? How long could he keep the tears that were burning the back of his eyelids away from falling down his cheeks?

Alec could remember the first time he saw Max, the first time he carried him in his arms as a baby. It was much different than the time when Isabelle was born. Alec was still a child then, too little to know how it was going to be when he would become the protective older brother. When Max was a baby though, he already knew that his younger brother would have a different part in his heart.

Alec remembered when he whispered to baby Max that he would protect him at all costs. It was the promise he would tell to the younger boy over and over again when he came to his room in the middle of the night, searching for Alec’s comfort after a nightmare.

 _You failed him_ , a voice whispered in his mind and Alec was too tired to dismiss the thought. Also, a part of him believed that dark part of his consciousness. Alec was supposed to be the protector of his siblings, he was supposed to be the strong one. By the Angel, he was the Head of the Institute. He should have been able to keep them away from the harm’s way.

He clenched his teeth in frustration. He failed them, he disappointed them. And now, it was his little brother that was paying the price for his inability… with his _life_.

When the medic finally finished wrapping the side of his torso and drawing an Iratze, Alec nodded as a ‘thank you’ and stood up, ignoring the medic’s protests. She had said that he must rest for his wound to heal, but it was the furthest thing from Alec’s mind. While there was no one near him, he was going to see his little brother.

All the Shadowhunters they have lost in Sebastian’s attack were lying on the mattresses at the back of the infirmary. Max was the furthest one from the door and with every step he took, Alec felt like he couldn’t breathe. His hands were clenching into fists by either side of his body and his nails were digging into his palms. But Alec’s body was numb. He wasn’t aware of his wound throbbing painfully on his torso, burning as if his skin was on fire; nor was he aware of his nails breaking his skin, causing a thin trail of blood drip from his hands onto the floor.

When Alec reached in front of Max’s bed and saw his brother’s tiny body, the dam broke and all the emotions he was bottling up lashed out in seconds. He fell onto his knees beside the bed, not bothering to sit on the chair next to him, and pulled the little boy’s cold hands into his warm palms, involuntarily hoping to increase his body heat.

Tears were streaming down his cheeks and choked sobs were leaving between his lips. He was already a mess. But when he saw how little his brother’s hands were in between his calloused palms and remembered that Max was never going to grow up, he only started to cry harder and let his mask fall.

He couldn’t do it. He knew he should, but he couldn’t stay strong. If it was a weakness, so be it. He couldn’t care less in that second. Max was gone. His little brother was gone. He would never grow up again. He would never be able to get any other rune to carve to his body. He would not be able to complete his first assignment.

The truth was slapping him in the face over and over again, and all he could do was to knell beside his brother’s bed, hold his hands in his palms in a tight grip, and cry his eyes out while he was mumbling out incoherent words.

Alec didn’t know for how long his hand was resting on Alec’s shoulder before Magnus kneeled beside him. He turned his head to the warlock and opened his mouth to speak, but not a sound left his lips except his sobs. He was still gripping Max’s hands in his tightly, and tears were falling down his cheeks leaving wet trials behind.

Thoughts were flying around in Alec’s mind. There was so much he wanted to say to the man beside him after not seeing him for more than a week. But he couldn’t gather his thoughts, he couldn’t put the words into right order to form coherent sentences. When Magnus opened his arms for Alec, he gave up trying to talk and slumped against the man’s chest.

“Shh, shh, love,” The warlock was whispering sweet nothings into his ear and carding a hand through his black locks in a soothing manner, but Alec was too out of it to notice the gestures. He felt like his mind was going to blow up. The memories were replaying themselves, the thoughts were crashing into each other, his guilt was speaking louder than ever in his mind…

“Mags… Magnus-” Alec’s rapid breaths were cutting him off and preventing him from letting the words out. “He-He’s… gone.”

“Shh, Alexander… Take a deep breath, darling.”

“I...” Alec let out a choked sob. “I lost him.” His voice came out as a whisper as he looked at Magnus with eyes full of sorrow. “I lost him, Magnus. And-And I’m… I’m losing you, too.”

“Oh, my Alexander… You’ll never lose me.”

The boy shook his head in denial. “I hurt you. I lied to you.”

“Alexan-”

“No!” Alec was barely aware of raising his voice, and in the back of his mind, he was glad that no one was in the infirmary other than the two of them. His voice cracked as he continued. “No. I’m losing the Institute. I’m losing you. I lost my little brother. I couldn’t save him, Magnus. Oh, Angels, I couldn’t save my little brother.”

“It wasn’t your fault, darling. You couldn’t have known.”

Once again, Alec was shaking his head at Magnus’ words, not letting the man lessen his guilt. “You don’t know… You weren’t there.”

Magnus took a sharp breath. He knew he was at fault that he couldn’t be next to Alec in the past few days, but hearing the truth from the Shadowhunter, even if he didn’t mean the words in that way, caused the pang of guilt in his chest make itself noticeable again, and Magnus realized how much the boy was hurting, alone.

“Isabelle had told us that she couldn’t find Max, and I… Angels, Magnus… I told them ‘we had more pressing matters right now’. I dismissed the thought and if I didn’t… I could have saved him. I should have known that… something was wrong, that something-something might have happened to him.”

Alec’s grip on his brother’s hands tightened, and he swallowed the sob instead of letting it out.

“Alexander… Darling, you didn’t _know_. You couldn’t have known. It wasn’t your fault.” Magnus’ hand was rubbing circles on the boy’s back while whispering the same sentence over and over again, until he was sure that it was imprinted in Alec’s mind. “It wasn’t your fault, Alexander. It wasn’t your fault.”

Alec was slowly falling asleep. He didn’t know it was possible with the amount of thoughts running around in his mind, but he guessed crying for so long was exhausting. Plus, one of Magnus’ hands gently massaging his scalp and his soothing voice whispering right beside his ear was helping him give into the sleep and close his tired eyes to embrace the darkness that come with it.

Magnus’ voiced slowly faded away, the guilt speaking in his mind stopped, and everything that Alec had thought crashing down on him disappeared in the back of his mind. Now, there was only Max and him in his dreams, where they were both younger while lying under the layers of blankets, the younger boy falling into a peaceful sleep as Alec was promising to protect him at all costs.

 

If Magnus’ heart wasn’t already breaking into hundreds of pieces, he didn’t know what else he was feeling. There he was, at the back of the Institute’s infirmary, sitting on the floor with his boyfriend’s body slumped against him, and trying to hold back tears that were about to fall down his cheeks. But the tears weren’t solely for the youngest Lightwood whom he had took a quite liking to. No, most of the tears he was shedding were for the heart-broken Shadowhunter next to him who was carrying the weight of the whole world on his shoulders for his family, for his people, and for his lover.

Magnus wiped away the tears on his cheeks angrily with the back of his free hand. He wasn’t going to cry now. He couldn’t give himself the luxury to cry, he had to take care of his boyfriend.

Alexander was sleeping soundly in his arms, the soft snores that he had come to love so much leaving his mouth with every soft breath. There was a tiny smile at the corner of his lips; Magnus hoped it was a result of happy dreams. His raven hair was a mess on top of his head. Alec was never one to give much thought to his appearance, much less to his hair; but looking at him right now, the warlock could see the tangled locks caused by the Shadowhunter’s habit to slide his hand through them whenever he was frustrated or in stress.

Magnus’ eyes wandered down, unconsciously checking Alec’s body for injuries. He was almost content with seeing that his boyfriend was healthy as ever, but then the crimson-red blossoming on the side of his washed-out shirt grabbed his attention. As always, Alec was wearing fully black, so Magnus blamed not sensing the injury sooner on that.

Careful to not to disturb his sleep, the warlock lifted the shirt until he could see the wound, pushing away the giddy feeling in his chest as the pads of his fingers gently touched Alec’s torso. With a few blue sparks, Magnus disposed the dark red bandage wrapped around the wound.

The cut wasn’t deep, but it wasn’t shallow enough to heal quickly with an Iratze. Still, it caused Magnus to suck in a sharp breath and grimace at the blood seeping from the cut. As if Magnus wasn’t already hurting because Alec _was_ hurting, now the guilt was back once again to eat him from the inside. If Magnus had been more careful, if he had noticed that something was wrong, if he hadn’t _doubted_ his boyfriend… He would have known about this... and about the attack… and about Max. He would have known Alec was hurting, and he could have done something to lessen his pain.

Magnus pushed his thoughts away, again. He was here, now. He was with Alec. And even if it didn’t cover up for the time he had spent away from his boyfriend so selfishly, the least he could do was to help him, now more than ever.

Gently, Magnus took Alec’s hand away from Max’s. He cradled the boy in his arms and hugged him tightly with one hand as the other summoned up a portal, and in seconds, they were sitting on Alec’s bed in the Institute. He guessed that both as the Head of the Institute and the eldest one in the Lightwood family, Alec would have preferred to stay in the Institute in a time like this, even if he was sleeping. Magnus slowly laid the younger boy on the bed and moved out of the bed to attend his cut before the blood soaked the sheets.

It wasn’t long before the cut was healed, and there was only a pink scar left on Alec’s torso as a reminder of the injury. Magnus wondered what kind of fight Alec had gotten himself into to receive a wound like this, or who had done this to his boyfriend. There were still a lot of questions in his mind about the attack and he noted in his head to ask Alec or Isabelle about it, but the time for it would be later. What was done was done, and now, everybody was dealing with the consequences, however agonizing that might be.

Magnus promised to himself that no matter how hard it would be he’d stay with Alexander. He’d help him through the pain and darkness and loss… They might have hard times, they might have fights, but Magnus believed that they could always get pass through them. What mattered was that they loved each other. Be it Downworld politics or Shadowhunter issues, Magnus was not going to let his hazel-eyed Shadowhunter go on some stupid argument. Alexander was too precious, too good for him. He wasn’t ready to let his cause of happiness go for a long, long time.

Magnus noticed the small frown on Alec’s face as he settled next to the Shadowhunter on the bed. He had put a small space between them but he was still close enough to notice Alec’s breaths and feel the rise and fall of his chest. He brought his hand up and smoothed the frown away with his thumb, and then rested his palm against the boy’s cheek. As his fingers caressed Alec’s cheekbone, Magnus murmured a spell under his breath that would provide the Shadowhunter a good night’s sleep and keep the nightmares and dark thoughts at the bay. Alec had enough of them during daytime, at least Magnus could ensure that he would be happier in his dreams.

When the familiar smile made itself seen at the corner of Alexander’s lips, Magnus took a deep breath and let his eyes fall shut. With Alec right next to him in bed, he was convinced that he could finally get his body too sleep, after so many nights of staying wide-awake because of the absence of warmth in his bed.

Magnus opened his eyes again even if it was just for a second, and he pressed a light kiss on Alec’s forehead, and then murmured out a couple words before letting the Shadowhunter’s breaths lull him into sleep.

“I’m not going anywhere, Alexander. I love you.”


End file.
